‘Nail me, you stud!’ she moaned. ‘Hammer me like one of your french dressers!’

That’s it. I’ve reached the peak of arrogance. I have started a blog post with a quote that I have written. I feel ashamed and certainly a bit dirty…

…which was exactly the point of the story I’ve quoted. This is an extract from an early piece of fiction that was written for the wonderful Jane Gilbert of ‘Behind the Chintz Curtain’ who is sadly currently unable to write for her blog but who still tweets as @ChintzCurtain. She has twice hosted a EuphOff; an erotic writing competition with a difference – Jane wasn’t exactly looking for good erotica!

Inspired by a piece of erotica that described an anus as a coffee bean, Jane started this meme for fantastic erotic writers to write terrible erotica! In the wrong hands, erotica becomes a minefield of coy euphemism and ridiculousness but what could writers who are used to erotica create? They could be masterpieces!

And it is so much fun!! I’ve written about crude carpenters hammering hard and a spy story that I wish had been for my eyes only. Oleander Plume is a master of this dubious art form, twice writing such fabulous purple prose that I cried with laughter at every word of her stories on naughty knights and eye-watering office flings

‘Could my Master see the pools of honey that dripped from my love nest whenever he was near?’

Eroticon attendees have also been involved in this cringeworthy enterprise! Tabitha Rayne has written about fornicating farmers…

‘I dream every night of grazing from your pasture, nuzzling my nose into your open fragrant buttercup.’

…and Maria Sibylla has an extraordinary story about misbehaving cowboys!

‘As his fingers touched her, she remembered all the times Willy’s willy had plundered her petals.’

Even the glorious Jade A. Waters couldn’t resist!

‘A tide of desire surged her love haven, and as his heat-seeking protuberance snuck against the bare, ivory skin of her quivering thigh, she muttered, “But I’m a princess. My sacred pearl can only be given once—”’

There were so, so many more that I now can’t find so let me know if you remember more that need to be resurrected and I’ll update this post!

And I was talking about this awful, wonderful meme with some Eroticon attendees this weekend and I’ve decided to host a resurgence. It has been almost exactly two years since #EuphOff was created in March 2015 and the time feels right for #EuphOff Reboot! Jane Gilbert has graciously given me leave to take on her creation and I am jumping in with both feet!!

So send me the worst filth you can write! I want euphemism, I want cringe, I want every cliche you can imagine and some that you wish you hadn’t…

Rules:

• Stories should be 500 words long – the best flash fiction length and as much euphemism as I can take!
• Include the coffee bean badge in your posts and link back to this page
• Promote your story and others on social media with the tag #EuphOff
• Add your link to the tool below
• If you don’t have a blog, email your story to me and I’ll host you as a guest post!
• Share and comment on the other stories.
• You have ONE MONTH to send me your stories – the link closes at 23.55 on 6th April
• There are no prizes, no ranking, no rewards…not this time anyway!

Bring. It. On!

Don’t forget to add your link! Ooh, and clicking the button takes you to the page of submissions to browse and delight at the EuphOff mastery…