Hammering it home…

I might be a bit too much of a newcomer to be jumping onto the #EuphOff bandwagon, particularly as I’m not certain that I have written enough erotica to have earned the right to mock it yet…but it looked really fun and, after choking back inappropriate laughter when the man in Halfords helping me change my windscreen wiper blades told me to just ‘feed the tip in here…nice and slowly…push it right in,’ and then followed that by watching two Bond films in one day, there were just too just many innuendos and euphemisms to keep to myself! 

Besides, I’d heard there was a request for a builder-themed story…

***

Her hands trembled as she stirred the milk into the cup of tea. The Carpenter was a man who liked his tea strong and hot, and this was the third cup she had made him today…any excuse to watch him work.

The Carpenter had come again this morning to finish the job he had started yesterday. After secretly watching him hammering, she had been unable to stop thinking about how his rippling muscles had flexed as he had manipulated his long, sharp tools. Her secret inner place was quivering with desire as she remembered his grunts of exertion as he hoisted the heavy loads into place.

As she passed him the cup, she gazed hungrily at his hard chest, well-stocked tool belt and down to the generous bulge in his work trousers. Noticing her scrutiny, he bent over to pick up the planks of dark wood, causing his already tight trousers to strain against his perfect arse. As he cut it to size, the heaving of her bosom matched the rhythm of his sawing, his arm pumping back and forward as he drew the blade through the wood.

‘So beautiful’ she sighed involuntarily.

‘It’s been seasoned to ensure that it’s hard enough. You can bang against it for hours and it’ll take it without complaining.’

This was clearly a man who knew how to handle his wood.

‘Here, come and touch it.’

She slid her hand down the hard plank, stroking its soft surface. As she reached the end, she looked up to see his power tool was also standing to attention. Gasping, she reached out to touch the hard wood of his own plank, and he lunged at her, scattering screws and drill bits onto the floor.

His tongue probed her mouth and his stubble sanded her face, adding an extra sensation that drove her wild. Her cavernous toolbox soon filled with oily syrup as his fingers screwed deeper into her. He was evidently the master of his trade, demonstrating skills hewn over years of practice. Oh, how she wished her lubricating juices were polishing his wooden staff instead!

‘Nail me, you stud!’ she moaned. ‘Hammer me like one of your french dressers!’

Jacking her legs wide open, he thrust his throbbing member deep inside her, their bodies perfectly dovetailing together. Sparks flew as he angle-ground into her, hammering harder and faster until she felt like she was being ravished by a pneumatic drill.

He flipped her over and she screamed with delight as he drilled his fleshy screwdriver into her raw plug, filling her until she felt like she was being sawed in half. His fingers continued delving into her cushioned pocket while his thumb rubbed her love-nut, pushing her closer to the edge until she groaned in ecstasy, clamping around him like a vice; her explosion causing him to shoot his bolt.

‘Lie still,’ he whispered as the sawdust settled around them, ‘you must keep your spirit level…’

***

Oh God, I don’t know if I should feel ashamed or proud of this…mostly ashamed, and a bit disgusted! I do remember why I enjoy DIY quite so much though…

Press on the coffee bean below to check out all of the other amazingly hilarious stories!

EuphOff

7 thoughts on “Hammering it home…

  1. My girlfriends and I sometimes challenge each other to write stories with a specific ridiculous word or action that must be included.
    This was great fun to read and my new favorite word is ‘hoisted,’ You should totally be proud!

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  2. I just spat coffee all over my keyboard. This is an OUTSTANDING #EuphOff contribution, lovely lady. You should be proud. Very, very proud. (The feelings of shame are not unusual, I might add. I’m told they fade with time and intensive counselling.) As you mentioned, I have been hanging out for someone to do a building entry since this thing began. “Her cavernous toolbox”? ROFL!! Now I just need someone to do LoTR or GoT and I’ll be a happy girl. Thank you so much for joining in – I’m adding your entry to the #EuphOff page right now! Jane xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is utterly brilliant. Really liking the raw plug and angle grinding – and yes, I have more than a soft spot for DIY too. It’s never this much fun though!

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  4. I don’t think you have to have a lengthy (sorry!) background in reading/writing erotica to do a good job of this – it’s not in any way damaging to the genre to poke fun at it, I think. And this is great!

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  5. I’m in DIY EuphOff heaven. Thank you for giving me a great giggle.

    Particularly enjoyed: ‘It’s been seasoned to ensure that it’s hard enough. You can bang against it for hours and it’ll take it without complaining.’
    This was clearly a man who knew how to handle his wood.

    Also: ‘Nail me, you stud!’ she moaned. ‘Hammer me like one of your french dressers!’

    And, not forgetting: ‘Lie still,’ he whispered as the sawdust settled around them, ‘you must keep your spirit level…’

    xx

    Liked by 1 person

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