‘Nail me, you stud!’ she moaned. ‘Hammer me like one of your french dressers!’

EuphOff badge

Since 2017, I have hosted the hilarious and hysterical erotica competition, #EuphOff!

Started by wonderful Jane Gilbert of ‘Behind the Chintz Curtain’ and inspired by a piece of erotica that described an anus as a coffee bean, #EuphOff is a place where fantastic erotic writers are asked to write terrible erotica!

In the wrong hands, erotica becomes a minefield of coy euphemism and ridiculousness but what could writers who are used to erotica create? They could be masterpieces…

And they are!

EuphOff Hall of Shame

2018 Winner – Love Lust London’s torrid travel take:

She pulled him to his feet then replaced him by kneeling on the bed, her two holes presented like a screaming cyclops. This time, instead of aiming for the puckered eye, he opted to book a return ticket into her womanly landing strip.

“Ohhh yes, push that gold club member deep inside,” gabbled Leanne.

“Must. Remain. In. An. Upright. Position.” came his thrusting replies.

“Yes! Fuck me! Fuck me like Brexit is fucking up the overseas travel market by putting open skies agreements at risk, devaluing Sterling and blocking freedom of movement!”

2019 Winner – Kelvin Sparks with a meat-themed masterpiece:

For two seconds, Angus felt like he had just made the wurst mistake ever. And then, as Chuck looked him up and down, licking his lips, he realised something. That man really did want to t-bone him.

He gasped as Chuck revealed the strap-on harness underneath his jeans. Angus wanted that man to fork him until he was tender, and his juices ran clear.

Do you think you have the talent to write this badly? Can you weave words into weird wonders? Can you manipulate purple prose to create imagery that is both HOT and HILARIOUS?

The #EuphOff runs in MARCH every year and the current competition can be found here

Copy the code below to insert the EuphOff badge into your own posts when you link to the competition pages:

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Now go, dazzle me with your words…!