‘A highbrow is the kind of person who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso.’
– A.P. Herbert, Uncommon Law: Being 66 Misleading Cases
Oh yes, it is that time of year again! Time for the erotic writing competition that celebrates purple prose, coy euphemism and plain terrible imagery…
Started in 2015 by Chintz Curtain and inspired by erotica that described an anus as a coffee bean, this annual meme has produced some genuinely fabulous and terribly wonderful stories. As much as I love and am turned on by so much erotica, the line between arousing and hilarious can be paper-thin, and I adore how cliched tropes and shy innuendos are handled by talented sex and erotica writers to create real, breathtaking masterpieces! If you don’t believe me, check out the past entries from 2017 and before and last year – it’s a rabbit hole worth falling down!
She pulled him to his feet then replaced him by kneeling on the bed, her two holes presented like a screaming cyclops. This time, instead of aiming for the puckered eye, he opted to book a return ticket into her womanly landing strip.
“Ohhh yes, push that gold club member deep inside,” gabbled Leanne.
“Must. Remain. In. An. Upright. Position.” came his thrusting replies.
“Yes! Fuck me! Fuck me like Brexit is fucking up the overseas travel market by putting open skies agreements at risk, devaluing Sterling and blocking freedom of movement!”
So this is a call for all euphemistic erotica enthusiasts, all proud purveyors of purple prose – this is the competition for you!
Flash me a short 500-word story full of cliches, innuendos and euphemisms before March 31st that includes the phrase ‘love sausage,’ inspired by this perfect tongue in cheek Valentines offer by Marks and Spencer’s, to be in with a chance to win some excellent sex toy and erotica prizes! (Full rules at the end of the post.)
Are you ready for our Love Sausage? Heart-shaped, lightly-truffled, wrapped in bacon and in store tomorrow. Say it with sausages – tag who you’ll be sharing your Love Sausage with this Valentine's Day! #MyMarksFave pic.twitter.com/VPQi4ENnsn
— M&S (@marksandspencer) February 7, 2019
Dazzle me, I’m waiting…
…and the Atomic is a fabulous battery-powered bullet vibe.
And as it seems important to share good erotica as part of a terrible erotica competition, winners will also have a choice of two anthologies that demonstrate some of the best writers of the last year – the latest Eroticon anthology, Discovery, and Best Women’s Erotica of the Year, Volume 4.
- The story should be 500 words or less.
- The competition is opens at 9:00 on 1st March 2019 and closes at 23:59 GMT on 31st March 2019.
- Open to aged 18+ entrants only.
- I will be the judge with EA providing additional opinions if I’m struggling to choose.
- Entries must include the phrase ‘love sausage’ to be considered.
- Posts must be linked via the linking tool at the end and contain the EuphOff coffee bean badge. The code for the badge can be copied from the end of this post. Update 8/3: copying the code currently doesn’t work so please save and link the image instead! I’ll try and fix my coding…!
- I am happy to host guest stories if preferred.
- Share your post and others on social media with the hashtag: #EuphOff.
- First prize winner has first pick of toy and book, and second prize winner will receive the others.
- Winners will be announced on 2nd April 2019.
- Winners will then be contacted via DM and have 48 hours to respond or I will pick another winner.
- Prizes will be posted within 10 days of a response from the recipient.
- International entries welcome but may experience a delay in prize delivery.
- Even in parody, entries must not include illegal activities (eg bestiality, paedophilia) or ambiguous consent.
Update 8/3: Please simply save the image and add it to your post with a link back here as my coding doesn’t work when copied. I’ll update it again when I’ve fixed it!
All images are my own, except the image of the Atomic that was taken from the Rocks Off website. The EuphOff badge was designed for the original EuphOff competition by Chintz Curtain and used with permission.