Spider-Man: Fuck, Marry, Kill…

‘With great power comes great responsibility…’

Uncle Ben, Spider-Man

This was originally posted on the Smutathon site as part of the 2021 erotica writing marathon but, as I saw (AND LOVED!) Spider-Man: No Way Home yesterday, it seemed about time that I shared it here too! And while I have made some adjustments now that it’s on this blog, the content remains as I wrote in November so this is spoiler-free!

Smutathon 2021 was raising money for two incredible charities that support trans people, advocate for their quality of life, and connects them to the resources they need to survive and thrive – Gendered Intelligence in the UK and Trans Lifeline in USA. Importantly, both charities are also run by trans people. You can still donate here.

I’m a big fan of superheroes and comic book heroes. Long-time readers are probably aware that I’d rather fuck Batman than Superman and may have read another post where I outlined in great deal my perfect Marvel threesome (watching Captain Marvel, Thor and Hulk/Banner), but I’ve never considered Spider-Man before. In fact, I straight up disregarded him as a ‘legitimate child’ in my Marvel post! But the release of Spider-Man: No Way Home – and the strong hint in advance that all three actors who have played live-action Spider-Man this century will have a role in this multiverse – has brought this character, and his various iterations, to the front of my mind…

An image of all three Spider-Men - Andrew Garfield, Tom Holland and Tobey Maguire

I’ll admit, my opinions on the quality of each Spider-Man actor are strongly influenced by how fuckable I find them. Andrew Garfield, often considered the worst of the post-2000 versions, is still my favourite because I think that he is clearly the hottest and, while Tobey Maguire has a legitimate claim to the quote-unquote ‘best’ movie, I don’t want to watch his movies as I don’t want to fuck him. And, of course, there’s Tom Holland – that ‘legitimate child’.

Now, when writing on this subject for Smutathon, the fact that there are three Spider-Man actors meant that it seemed only logical (and definitely not a gimmick) to play Fuck, Marry, Kill with the three of them!

First step is easy – Kill Tobey Maguire.

Part of me is sorry to come to this decision so quickly as I do think that the first two Sam Rami movies are correctly iconic. They changed movies forever and paved the way for the whole Marvel franchise. There had been superhero movies before but the success and style of these was absolutely revolutionary. They are genuinely important movies and they are very good.

Tobey Maguire's Spider-Man

Apart from Spidey himself. I find Tobey Maguire entirely unfanciable and so is a bad Spider-Man. He sits on just the wrong side of the hot geek line and, even worse, attempts to make the pushing 30 year old actor look like he could actually be at high school left him looking creepy. It’s not quite the Steve Buscemi ‘How do you do, fellow kids’ gif territory but it was definitely disquieting. And disturbing. Any remaining hotness credit was also completely destroyed by his cringey black Spider-Man attitude and dance from Spider-Man 3. Gross. So an easy choice for the Kill category.

Tobey Maguire doing an awful dance as Black Spider-Man

(Disclaimer: I obviously don’t want to actually kill Tobey Maguire, but the confines of the game mean that I have to make difficult choices. I don’t make the rules.)

After this, decisions become harder…who did I want to fuck? And so who should I marry??

It was when considering this that I realised that I have been playing Fuck, Marry, Kill wrong my whole life!

I remember playing this game or some other iteration (Snog, Marry, Avoid maybe?) at school and being really disappointed whenever I was chosen as the one to marry. It seemed to happen all the time! Sure, I was grateful not to be killed, but didn’t anyone want to fuck me?! It felt like such a consolation prize. Or like they didn’t have an opinion on me at all. Didn’t dislike me enough to kill; didn’t like me enough to fuck. Urgh, so I get to marry them instead. Coooool.

It wasn’t helped by the implied dullness of marriage to me and my teenage friends. The idea of marriage, particularly of becoming a wife, just wasn’t interesting to fifteen-year old me. Misogynistic cliches about becoming a ball and chain or becoming stuck in the kitchen were too hard to shake and being described as marriage material did feel like a negative outcome. It made me feel old. Homely. Boring. It was bad. All bad.

But I am now 20 years older and 20 years wiser, and I know better.

Because, in the context of Fuck, Marry, Kill, there actually isn’t a bad option when it comes to choosing whether to fuck or marry someone as you do get to fuck the person you’re going to marry. Often multiple times! So it’s more about choosing between short- and long-term options.

So now I find myself looking at the two options very differently. Rather than trying to work out which I should relegate to the incorrect teenage assumption of a dull and sexless marriage, which do I think would be better for a quick and dirty fuck, rather than a longer relationship? Which would I want to fuck more often in every filthy way I can think of for potentially the rest of my life (or as long as the relationship lasts), and which would be best suited to that white-hot sex that is too intense to burn forever but is fucking incredible while it lasts. Important note – there is no bad sex in either my superhero fantasies or a game of Fuck, Marry, Kill!

In this context, it was easy to complete my allocations for this fantasy game of Fuck, Marry, Kill: Fuck Tom Holland; Marry Andrew Garfield.

Let me elaborate…

Tom Holland as Spider-Man

My main issue with including Tom Holland’s Spider-Man in my original Marvel fucking discussions was because he looked like too much of a child in the movies to be appealing to me. And this remains true. I would even say that the fact that he looks believable as a high school student is one of the best features of his Spider-Man movies – and certainly gives him points over his ageing millennial contemporaries. But if I’m going to view him as the high-schooler he was in the movie, I should really consider all of the Spider-Men as high-schoolers, as they are all supposed to be 16 or 17, and that makes this whole enterprise feel a bit…icky. So I have no choice but to consider select features of their lives outside of being Spider-Man. Like their real age, for a start.

And, of course, this.

Fucking hell. I have seen this so many times and it doesn’t get any less incredible. Hot, accomplished, sexy, committed, talented; all the good words. If Tom Holland can do this, imagine what else he could do? He fucks. I have no doubt about it. Tom Holland fucks. (And he’s 25 in real life!)

And finally, Andrew Garfield is beautiful and I can’t take my eyes off him as Spider-Man. His Spider-Man is cute and geeky and strong and looked good in a pair of glasses and has a physicality that takes me breath away, and I think he’s wonderful. I have no real evidence about whether he does or doesn’t fuck so I’d quite like to take the time to find out!

Andrew Garfield as Spider-Man

So there you have it – kill Tobey Maguire; fuck Tom Holland; marry Andrew Garfield.

What would you choose?

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