‘No dragon can resist the fascination of riddling talk and of wasting time trying to understand it.’
– J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit, or There and Back Again
It’s my favourite time of year again! #EuphOff is back!!
If you’re new to this competition, the EuphOff is an annual competition for truly terrible, wonderful erotica. Full of euphemisms, cliches, purple prose and innuendo, the best EuphOff stories are hot and hysterical and clever and cringeworthy, and I LOVE THEM!!
Want some inspiration?
Last year’s competition was won by Kelvin Sparks who wrote a meat-tastic masterpiece about a love sausage, and it is truly a marvel…
Just as Chuck was about to properly fill Angus with his eight inch boning knife, he stopped. Reaching a hand around to rub on Angus’ cocktail sausage, he asked, “Want me to beat your meat for you while I tenderise your rump?”
“Please”, Angus said, squeezing around Chuck like a meat grinder around Chuck beef. Soon, Angus came, hard, filled up with Chuck’s stuffing and being jerky-ed off. Being made of silicone, Chuck’s love sausage didn’t leave any grease behind, but as Angus’ loins felt tender. He had been well done.
Is that a man dragon in your pants or are you just pleased to see me?
This year’s theme is inspired by a tweet that I’ve been saving for roughly 18 months and is my favourite of the awful euphemisms that I’ve collected over the past few years:
The book I'm reading just used "man dragon" as a euphemism for cock and…no. Please don't let that become a thing.
— Aislinn Kearns (@ardentaislinn) August 7, 2018
So please, please write me a 500 word piece of flash fiction that includes the phrase ‘man dragon.’ I want FANTASY, FILTH and FARCE! I want INNUENDO and INFLATION and INSINUATION!! My two favourite two stories will win sex toy prizes from Satisfyer and actually great erotica. (Full rules at the end of the post).
PRIZES
This year, writers have the chance to win a SEX TOY from Satisfyer and EROTICA, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel or Zak Jane Keir.
Winners can choose either…
Satisfyer ‘High Fashion’ luxury vibrator (RRP £133.96)
OR
Satisfyer Men Vibration (RRP £44.95)
AND either Best Women’s Erotica (Vol 5), a collection of the best erotica written by women this year or Rule 34 (Vol 1), an anthology that proves that if something exists, it has been used as a kink!
RULES
- The story should be 500 words or less.
- The competition is opens at 9:00 on 1st March 2020 and closes at 23:59 GMT on 31st March 2020.
- Open to aged 18+ entrants only.
I will be the judge with EA providing additional opinions if I’m struggling to choose. - Entries must include the phrase ‘man dragon’ to be considered.
- Posts must be linked via the linking tool at the end and contain the EuphOff coffee bean badge. The code for the badge can be copied from the EuphOff page (let me know if it doesn’t work as I find it oddly difficult to do!)
- I am happy to host guest stories if preferred – email or DM me.
- Share your post and others on social media with the hashtag: #EuphOff.
- First prize winner has first pick of toy and book, and second prize winner will receive the others.
- Winners will be announced on 3rd April 2020.
- Winners will then be contacted via DM and have 48 hours to respond or I will pick another winner.
- Prizes will be posted within 10 days of a response from the recipient.
- International entries welcome but may experience a delay in prize delivery.
- Even in parody, entries must not include illegal activities (eg bestiality, paedophilia) or ambiguous consent.
I cannot WAIT to see what you’re going to write!!
