Almost exactly 3 years ago in late March 2016, I wrote a post about how I really want to fuck Batman. He is my superhero sex toy of choice; dark and brooding with a penchant for gadgets and capes. But. But. We are now living in a time where there are a wealth of hot superheroes filling our screens and lives, often played by an actor called Chris, and the question of which hero we most want to fuck has become more interesting…
at a time??? or https://t.co/Q4PnRDulvz
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) April 16, 2019
Although Batman is still my guy, I must admit that my thoughts and fantasies have often drifted towards the Marvel heroes and, as this tweet from 2017 demonstrates, I have been thinking about this for many years.
Who is the hottest Chris in the Marvel Cinematic Universe?
— Exhibit A (@EA_unadorned) October 25, 2017
(And I know, Chris Pine played a DC character but it’s too funny that he’s another Chris so I include him anyway – especially as he’d be my second hero Chris: Hemsworth, Pine, Pratt, Evans. Don’t @ me.)
So to celebrate the release of the new Avengers film (and crucially written before I saw Endgame), as well as prompted by an enlightening DM conversation about the perfect Avengers orgy, I thought I’d present my conclusions for the question of which three I’d most want to fuck for discussion: Thor, Captain Marvel, Bruce Banner/Hulk.
As I wrote back in 2016, my criteria for a hero bang are very different from what I look for in an actual partner. Batman’s aloof solitude and tendency to vanish into the shadow would be unbelievably infuriating in reality but there is undoubtably a delicious frisson about the idea of him skulking in, fucking me and fucking off, leaving me ravished and satisfied. The more wholesome character attributes that would make a great boyfriend – loyalty, compassion, companionship – are definitely secondary requirements!
Which is why I’ve never been that into Captain America and why Chris Evans places last in my list of Chrises. The fact that there’s a Chris-Evans-as-a-golden retriever Twitter account sums up how I feel about Cap – he’s loyal, he’s sweet; he’s a golden retriever. He’s entirely unfuckable. But he would treat you like a lady, I hear you cry, he would always be good to you. And this is very true but still doesn’t get my heart pounding like a dirty fuck with, say, Loki. I would also hate to be the third wheel in the Cap-Bucky relationship, of which I am a huge fan, so Cap doesn’t make the cut.
Bearded Cap in Infinity Wars, however, has a better chance. Worn out, scruffy at the edges and somewhat jaded but still with biceps to die for and a heart of gold? He would definitely be my back-up fuck!
Scruffy at the edges is actually a pretty important hero feature on my fuck list. It’s why Iron Man isn’t higher up the list, even though I have no doubt that he is filthy as fuck and would have created some fabulous gadgets and toys in his lab. He can build an iron man suit in a cave; he can definitely make a sex robot worth fucking! But he’s just too neat and manicured for me. The perfect beard and tailored suits just aren’t dirty enough for a hero bang. Also, I’m not sure I could handle his superiority complex and ego.
Although his ego isn’t as bad as Dr Strange’s. Surgeons are arrogant beasts and neurosurgeons are worse, so a neurosurgeon who has been bestowed with magic time bending powers that allow him to know literally everything? Nightmare! His whole style screams midlife crisis too. Nope, Dr Strange is no good.
Actually, there are a few Avengers who I’d similarly rule out on sight – Spider-Man, while cute, is a legitimate child; Hawkeye is super dull and has a family already that has been positioned in such a way during the films that I’d feel like a home wrecker for cutting in; this is also true of Vision and Wanda, the Scarlet Witch; Warmachine is an Iron Man substitute and not that interesting; T’Challa has the same earnestness problems that affect my rating of Cap no matter how hot he is; and I’d much rather fuck Tom Hiddleston in his Night Manager character, pushed up against that wall in that hotel, so Loki always feels like a poor relation (more on this later!).
Ant Man was a surprise candidate for fuckable hero. Paul Rudd is hot in an ageless kind of way but it was when he was described as a Hot Dad that I began to see him differently. Admittedly the attractions of a Hot Dad are not exactly those of a hero bang – dependable, adorable, surprisingly buff – but Ant Man’s super powers didn’t exactly seem that impressive on first sight either and yet he is pretty awesome so maybe he deserves a longer look.
The Guardians of the Galaxy cast each had something special that nearly made my dream Avengers threesome list but such is the strength of this pool that they are all eventually excluded. Peter Quill is hot – well, third hero Chris hot anyway – and I just know that he would have a literally banging sex playlist. I would have dismissed Rocket had GOTN not shared a guest post in 2015 about having a crush on this impressive raccoon that made some very good points about his intelligence, individuality and Big Dick Energy – ‘he’s not just the guy who brings the Big Gun. He knows how to use it.’ Hot! I almost overlooked Drax too but can you imagine how good he would be at talking dirty? No artifice, no euphemism or innuendo; just literal descriptions of what he wanted to do all spoken in that deep, deep voice…uh, wow…
I haven’t yet mentioned any of the women in these films for two reasons. The first is personal – I’m about as straight as you can be – and the second is because there just aren’t enough female superheroes in the Marvel Cinematic Universe! Gamora is stunning but just not that interesting; Natasha Romanoff makes me wish I was attracted to women as she is so so sexy; and Valkyrie is bad ass and I love her, but she still doesn’t make the list…
Captain Marvel does though. I fucking love her and I do want her to be one of my three in this wondrous hero foursome that I cannot stop thinking about. Admittedly, I want her there mostly because I want to watch her fuck Thor. Can you imagine the literal sparks? So hot! And as I am that annoying straight girl who might play with the right girl in a group situation, I suspect that this queer goddess might be enough to tempt me!
When I originally presented my choice of three, EA told me off for picking Bruce Banner/Hulk, arguing that I was picking two people. In a way, he’s right as I’ve included him in my final three as I do want to fuck Banner and Hulk but as you can’t have one without the other, I’m standing by my choice! I should say that this is very specifically a Mark Ruffalo as Hulk situation – even Eric Bana wasn’t good enough to make the part work, let alone inspire fantasies! But Mark Ruffalo is just so hot in a hirsute, manly way and his portrayal of Banner as a slightly lost genius is the icing on the cake. And as for Hulk? Just imagine the hulk cock! *swoon*
And lastly, comes the hero who gets closest to stealing Batman’s crown as my number one hero fuck – Thor! Oh, I love Thor!! He’s strong and gruff and bearded and eloquent and hilarious and gentlemanly and would treat me like a lady but also, damn, he’d have no qualms throwing me down and holding me against the bed while he fucked me hard like only the God of Thunder could! In my opinion, Chris Hemsworth is the undisputed hottest movie hero Chris, and has only got more so with his short hair and darker beard. Oh, and I could listen to him talk for days, my stomach jumping when his deep voice says anything, let alone if he were to talk dirty to me. Yup yup yup, Thor forever!
So there you have it – an entirely frivolous but extremely necessary statement on the fuckability of the Avengers! Do you disagree? Please do elaborate…!
NOTE: I finished writing this yesterday…I saw Endgame today. I will be writing an update when a reasonable interval has passed!
This week’s Wicked Wednesday theme required us to elaborate on a theme, which of course is perfect for this post! Click the button to see what other elaborations have been shared…
The images were free downloads from wallpaperaccess.com, except the Thor/Captain Marvel one that I found on Google and couldn’t trace the source. Please let me know if I have breached copyright and I will credit or remove it.