EuphOff Guest Post: The Backyard Division…

I am so excited to host this guest EuphOff story – both because it’s brilliant and also because it’s from a sex blogger that I hadn’t read before!

Kelvin Sparks has been blogging since August 2017, mainly posting toy reviews from a transmasculine point of view but also producing sex education content. The posts that I’ve read are excellent and I’m looking forward to exploring more!

In the meantime, here is a meaty masterpiece for you to enjoy…


“I just need you to distract Chuck”, Patty said to Angus, rolling her eyes. “Just distract him for ten minutes so I can get a head start.”

Angus had never cared much for meat cooking contests, but he knew that winning the backyard division of this cooking contest was a huge deal to Patty. The steaks were high, and the next round focused on a medium that was rarely well done.

“I’ll try my best”, he said, feeling like he’d definitely butcher any attempt.

“Just trying seducing him”, Patty said, “and bacon-vincing!”

By the time Angus found Chuck at the back of the gazebo, the whole idea already felt like a huge mis-steak. If he hadn’t owed it to Patty, he’d have given it up then and there. He tapped Chuck on the shoulder, mentally preparing for this whole thing to go belly up.

As he turned around, Angus was struck by how incredibly ham-some the man was. While Angus normally went for birds, he would admit to being sexually hambidexterous.

“Oh”, Angus said, suddenly feeling incredibly flustered as his eyes drifted southwards. From the size of the protuberance in Chuck’s jeans, Angus guessed he was the size of a dry cured ham- very well hung. If they’d met anywhere else, Angus would likely have wanted to pork him anyway.

“Can I help you?” Chuck said, cocking an eyebrow. Angus swallowed, and said his prepared line.

“Want some help jerking your meat?”

For two seconds, Angus felt like he had just made the wurst mistake ever. And then, as Chuck looked him up and down, licking his lips, he realised something. That man really did want to t-bone him.

He gasped as Chuck revealed the strap-on harness underneath his jeans. Angus wanted that man to fork him until he was tender, and his juices ran clear. None of the men Angus had slept with before had been other trans men, but as a vegetarian, he had plenty of experience with artificial meat and with meat substitutes. He tore down his jeans and boxer beefs, desperate to get a pork injection.

“Oh yes”, he gasped, as the other man’s bratwurst pushed against his beef curtains.

Just as Chuck was about to properly fill Angus with his eight inch boning knife, he stopped. Reaching a hand around to rub on Angus’ cocktail sausage, he asked, “Want me to beat your meat for you while I tenderise your rump?”

“Please”, Angus said, squeezing around Chuck like a meat grinder around Chuck beef. Soon, Angus came, hard, filled up with Chuck’s stuffing and being jerky-ed off. Being made of silicone, Chuck’s love sausage didn’t leave any grease behind, but as Angus’ loins felt tender. He had been well done. He smirked as he pulled up his trousers, having long forgotten how and why he’d ended up here.

“See you after the competition?” he asked, mouth already drooling at the idea of Chuck coming back for sloppy seconds.

There are now only THREE MORE DAYS left to enter this terrible and wonderful erotica competition. Send me your best and your worst before midnight on Sunday March 31st!

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