‘My favourite outdoor activity is going back inside.’
– H.P. Lovecraft
I came to a ridiculous realisation yesterday: EA has not come inside me since before Baby M was born in mid-December. In the run up to her birth, the whole point of sex was to fill me with spunk as it was supposed to induce labour, but since then a catalogue of obstacles has meant that we just haven’t had sex in that way.
First I was recovering from labour, then had no contraception so relied on the withdrawal method in preference to condoms. After that, EA had started his 21 day orgasm denial challenge so he didn’t get to come at all, which finished just before I had a coil fitted and condoms/withdrawal was again recommended for a week…
We have been having sex during this time – quite a lot of it during EA’s denial challenge – and we have been having penetrative sex. In fact, given the opportunity, we’ve been having sex in pretty much exactly the same way as always, except EA hasn’t come inside me. My orgasm pattern hasn’t changed, just EA’s, and yet something has been missing. Our sex life has had to find a new place and new balance in our life with a baby and so I wasn’t surprised that it has generally felt different, but the realisation that he hasn’t come inside me during this time has revealed a big missing piece!
Because there is something so intimate about being fluid bonded with a person. Malin James wrote about this for a Kink of the Week on semen way back in December 2015 but, sadly, her post is no longer available. In it, she wrote about how sharing fluids was such an enormous step in trust and intimacy for her that she has only done this with very few partners despite having sex with proportionally more. I wish I’d saved her words somewhere as I know I’ve made her perspective sound bare and clunky, but the impression has never left me. Before reading it, I’d never thought about the vulnerability of sharing fluids and how empowering it can be for a partnership when it occurs. What a visceral way to demonstrate trust; what an intimate way to make a connection.
Before EA, I’d not had a sexual relationship long enough for the question of when to stop using barrier protection to arise. There was no one I trusted enough to assume that they had a recent STI check (and I’m ashamed to say that I never asked), and no one who knew me enough to trust that I was using regular contraception. In more casual relationships, and I use that term in a way that acknowledges the toxic nature of considering sexual encounters to be ‘casual’ and throwaway, approaching these nuances was too intimate and it was easier to just use a condom!
Now, I don’t want to suggest that it is impossible to create intimacy when using condoms or that this level of intimacy is only achievable with penetration as that is patently untrue, but I know from my own experience that shedding barriers intended to protect us changes the dynamic of sex, and this is clearly demonstrated when becoming fluid bonded with a partner. I was certainly very aware of an added frisson of risk when having penetrative sex without any contraception when we were trying for a baby and pregnancy was the intended outcome!
I just hadn’t realised that I would miss this particular intimacy so much. Although, to be honest, intimacy is not the only reason why I’ve missed it so – it is just so fucking hot when he comes inside me.
Feeling his cock swelling inside me as his breaths get harsher and shorter; each thrust pounding deeper and deeper, faster and faster. I can feel him getting closer to the edge. I can feel his body tensing as it builds. I can hear the pitch of his groans change, becoming deeper and more vocal. And when he comes, I can feel everything; his cock pulsing as his hips push against me, his fingers digging into my shoulders as he holds himself steady, his gasping breath on my skin. Fuck, it is incredible!
And yes, I can hear and feel much of this if he were to come in my mouth or on my tits or over my arse, but I wouldn’t feel it so deeply inside me. I wouldn’t feel his cock twitching against the walls of my cunt as I squeeze him tighter, each movement sending a flicker of transferred pleasure through my own body. It feels so fucking good that I completely get why GOTN sometimes fakes orgasms to encourage her boyfriend to come sooner.
But none of that is the best part. Up to now, all these sensations just required penetration. Although everyone’s experience is obviously different, I’ve never noticed a significant change in how penetration feels when using a good quality condom, but using a condom does rule out the best part.
Because later, once the last thrills of orgasm have faded, the sticky remnants will remind me of what we’ve done. Whether slowly trickling down my thighs as we lie each other’s arm, mixing with the sweat of exertion and creating a heady filthy deliciousness, or as a rediscovered slick in my knickers, the fresh smell instantly taking me back, there is nothing hotter than his come inside me, filling me and escaping out again.
And I’m hopeful that I won’t have to wait too much longer to feel it again…
I went well over a year without orgasm. I was supposed to go over two, but my Queen missed me cumming. So now she has me orgasm periodically—it’s as much for her as for me! I cum when and where she tells me and I clean it up afterwards with my mouth. But it is always at her behest. It is an added level of intimacy.
Interestingly I recently read a post in a Poly FB group about fluid bonding that really got me thinking about the subject in different ways. (I also JUST finished a post about talking about these things before sex happens… it’s a tough one! As you pointed out!)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here and I love how it evolved into a hot sexy story there at the end!!