‘Find something you’re passionate about and keep tremendously interested in it.’
– Julia Child
Are you ready for some truly terrible erotica?? Because it’s EuphOff time! Obviously I can’t enter my own competition but I love the EuphOff so much that I had to write a story anyway – and can only apologise for the results…
When thinking about what sort of EuphOff story I’ll write each year, I like to find a sort of theme – something seemingly innocent with enough accidental euphemism that it is ripe for exaggeration!! And this year, the enthusiasm and innuendo of MasterChef was too good to ignore…
"Those jugs need a wipe"
Or: things you know Gregg Wallace says after a tit-wank.
— Exhibit A (@EA_unadorned) February 28, 2019
‘Welcome to MasterShag!’
The contestants stood eagerly in front of judges Dann and Tom, awaiting their instructions.
‘Today is the Critics Challenge so it’s vital that you perform well. In the next room, we have three very exacting critics who want to be wowed and dazzled by your skills. We’re expecting a two-stage performance and all want a high quality experience!’
Pete swallowed hard; he was first up. His trepidation grew as he was led into the judge’s chamber. Sat with clipboards, ready to judge him, were Grace Bent, William Sitnicely and Jay OhNo.
‘I cannot lie – Pete’s fuckfest of a first round has really raised my expectations for what he can achieve today!’ The grin slapped on Dann’s face did nothing to distract from his bulging groin, rising faster than fresh dough in the proving drawer.
‘Pete’s plans are very elaborate. Squirting and watersports in the same session? I just don’t know if that’s possible in this time frame and he’ll have to work hard to avoid a soggy bottom.’ Tom shook his head while tentatively touching his trousers. ‘But if he can pull this off? Oh, it will be spectacular!’
Pete’s sous-shag, Sarah, was dressed and ready, laid out on the table and looking like a feast herself. Spreading her legs, Pete began lapping at the soft buttery warm between, stirring her love button with his tongue to taste her juices. Using well practiced techniques worthy of a Michelin star, he turns up her temperature until she almost reaches boiling point.
‘Oh yes, I’m into that in a big way!’ Dann salivates, his hand buried deep into his pants.
With deft hands circling his love sausage, Pete slicks the surface of his sword with a layer of lubrication, drizzling sweet honey across the tip and pumping to evenly distribute the flavours. Steaming and ready, Sarah flipped like a pancake onto her knees, allowing Pete to plunge his kebab deep into her well-oiled orifice.
With each seasoned thrust against her groaning g-spot pushing her closer to the climax of this first course, Sarah panted and trembled until, with a moan of gluttonous delight, she came, flooding the place setting like the melted centre of a perfect chocolate fondant pudding.
‘BOOM!’ Tom exploded, ‘But now he only has 15 minutes for the second course!’
With a delicacy of touch that could keep a soufflé afloat, Pete rapidly shook his fist up and down his salt shaker until it erupted, sprinkling its substance across Sarah’s melons.
‘Those jugs need a wipe!’ Dann tittered, ‘But I love how these droplets add pockets of saltiness to an otherwise sweet plate.’
In a triumphant final move, Pete spouts scalding piss in streaks across Sarah stomach; his own exaltation completing this second spicy course with a flourish.
‘He’s done it, I think we’ve found our first semi-finalist!’ Tom rubbed his hands with glee, ‘Now, what’s next on the menu…’
If you like/hate this and think you can do better, PLEASE DO!! Click the coffee bean to read more about the competition and see the other entries. I can’t wait to see what you can create!