Smutathon 2018: Zuuuuumio…

‘This stage in the life of the buzz is truly fabulous. It’s not even a buzz anymore. It’s a roar.’
Tim Tharp, The Spectacular Now

The purple Zumio sex toy held against a grey background

For me, there are two types of masturbation: there are the longer, self-indulgent solo sex sessions where I like to spend time exploring my body, slowly building on fantasies and sensations to reach a delicious climax; and there are the times that I just want to come! I must admit that the second type is significantly more frequent…

I have previously described myself as a lazy wanker, choosing toys and methods of getting off that are the fastest and quickest because my orgasm is the goal and I’m not too bothered about what happens before then. It’s why I still love the Satisfyers, even though the pre-orgasm sensations veer dangerously close to unpleasant; it’s why I do now reach for toys when I want to come rather than my old favourite fingering as they are just that little bit quicker in getting me to my goal!

And it’s why the Zumio is my number one favourite sex toy!

When I first saw the toy at the Saturday evening party at Eroticon earlier this year, I didn’t think I would like it so much. It looks very pinpoint, with its tiny vibrating head and long slender neck, and I’d thought I preferred a broader stimulation. I like big vibrations that can fill my vulva and propagate through my whole body. I like the Doxy, I like to be overwhelmed rather than manage or position direct stimulation. I don’t like bullet vibes as they move out of range too easily; I didn’t think this toy was for me!

That was until I felt the vibrations against my arm. Oh my, this is a super powerful tiny toy! It was already clear that I had significantly underestimated it. Despite its size, the Zumio has the ability to be ridiculously rumbly. In fact, it traverses the full range of buzzy to rumbly, dependent on how much pressure you put behind it. The vibrations are technically more oscillations, produced by the trademarked SpiroTIP circling rapidly back and forth. This makes it just so easy to control the intensity. Lighter touches with the tip offer a lighter, tickling vibrating sensation but pressing harder slows the motor and adds a deep and penetrating rumble.

(This video shows the tip of the toy at full speed on the lowest setting and then slowed down to reveal the circling motion.)

It is the most versatile toy that I have ever used, which means that it genuinely never fails to propel me to a rapid and satisfying orgasm. It’s so good and so strong that I often use it through my knickers, just to make it last longer!

The Zumio has eight speeds, accessible with both up and down buttons for easy control, but I rarely use them. I like the second setting and then get enough variety from simply varying the pressure and position that I apply the toy. The small and precise tip is also misleading. Yes, it can be positioned with devastating accuracy right where it is needed, but such is its power that the vibrations can spread more widely when placed less precisely. I particularly like to hold it against my outer labia and let the rumbles fan out through my vulva, stimulating my clit and cunt at the same time, and rocking it back and forth to create waves that wash through me.

This complete lack of precision despite looking so surgical is another big point in its favour – anyone can use it on me and it still has the same result. Girl on the Net wrote as much in her review, stating that ‘finding a sex toy that’ll rip an orgasm out of me even on the difficult days, in the hands of someone who doesn’t have that direct feedback to work on, feels like a genuine miracle.’ It doesn’t matter where EA holds it, it still feels good. It doesn’t need to sit exactly in one spot to work, a failing of other toys I love the wank with, and it doesn’t even need have to be controlled in a complex or precise way.

It is always risky to state that a toy will work for everyone as our bodies are all so different, but I am more confident in recommending the Zumio than I have been for other toys. I can wax lyrical about how much I love love love this vibrator or that dildo, but I don’t really know how it will feel for others. I do, however, feel much more confident stating that I would hope anyone could find a way to use the Zumio that would provide pleasure. I just use it on my vulva but the pinpoint tip will obviously stimulate whatever you like – nipples, ear lobes, penises; the world is your oyster!

My only hesitation to telling everyone to buy it is the cost. At nearly £135, it is a premium toy and although it is at the cheaper end of the premium toy scale, costing less than the Doxy Die Cast or Womanizer but more than the Satisfyer (as per the latest Love Honey prices), it is still an investment. I didn’t pay for mine, as I describe below, but if it breaks, I will buy another. But if you like vibration and clitoral stimulation, I would strongly recommend investing as it is that impressive.

It feels adaptable and versatile. Its power can be moderated and applied as precisely or not as you’d like. It’s light and easy to handle; the buttons are difficult to feel when the toy is in use but the vibrations can be modified by adjusting the pressure so I’d hope it would still be easy to use by those who have difficulties with grip. The buttons are also very sensitive, so much so that the travel hold is essential to avoid an inadvertently vibrating suitcase. It’s quiet and could easily be used without alerting others in your house. It’s small and unassuming. It’s body safe, it’s waterproof and easy to clean.

In short, I love it.


I won my Zumio in the raffle at Eroticon so thank you to both Eroticon for organising that raffle and Zumio for donating the prize.

Happily for you, Zumio have also generously donated one to the Smutathon raffle! If you’d like to enter for a chance to win it, and you definitely should, check out Amy’s post and donate to support Abortion Support Network! Raffle entries will be accepted until 10pm today when we will be drawing the winners.


Technical details:

Materials: ‘Medical grade’ silicone and ABS plastics free from phthalates, latex and BPA.

Size: circumference: 3.5 inches, length: 7 inches

Battery life: USB rechargeable through its stand and states it provides 4 hours of play. As a guide, I have recharged it twice since March despite very regular use!

A photo showing that the Zumio sex toy is about the length of a pencil. It is lying on its white fabric case with that charging station and cable next to it

I use the original Zumio X but you can also chose a Zumio S, a less intense version of the same toy.

Cost: £134.99 on LoveHoney or $140 direct from Zumio (for both X and S models)


This is post #2 of a planned 6, all written during the 12 hour Smutathon writing challenge.

Follow the fun and read all the posts from the various fabulous writers by checking out #Smutathon2018 or #SmutForChoice!

My own posts from this and last year are collected in the Smutathon category, and you can find out what is happening in Smutathon this year by clicking on the image below…

The Smutathon badge showing a woman’s legs in fishnet tights bending over a chairZumi


The photos and video of the Zumio were taken by me, except the diagram of the differences between the X and S models, which I stole from the Zumio site.

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