‘Any weapon is a good weapon as long as ye can use it with honor and skill.’
– Brian Jacques, High Rhulain

You won’t be surprised to hear that I love erotica. It’s a complex and varied and much under appreciated genre. Good erotica can to transport you to another world, weave compelling stories, create believable characters and arouse you all at the same time! It’s honestly extraordinary!

Too often, the beauty of erotica is missed; the skill in creating nuance is lost in purple prose or laboured imagery. It stops being hot and becomes, well, funny! The extraordinary obscure innuendos or cliched turns of phrase have an awful hilariousness that will never stop amusing me.

But what happens when these abominable innuendos are put in the hands of usually competent sex writers? Magic! Magic happens!!

The EuphOff is a writing competition that @ChintzCurtain began in 2015 and I loved it so much that I took over the helm in 2017. Inspired by erotica that described an anus as a coffee bean, this is a competition for brilliant, purposefully terrible writing! Crude carpenters, naughty knights and so many other delicious, disastrous delights have graced this wonderful competition over the past few years and the quality of the writing has continued to amuse and amaze me. Click the coffee bean above for more details on the history of the competition and find links to past entries (sadly some have now expired.)

For 2018, I have decided to run EuphOff as a proper competition. With prizes!! Thanks to the wonderful people at Satisfyer, I have three sex toys to give away as prizes: a Pro G-Spot Rabbit, a Pro Plus Vibration and a Pro 4 Couple.

Apologies to the penis-endowed writers that these are vulva-directed toys but I also have two books to give away, mainly to demonstrate what good sex writing should be like: Truth, Eroticon Anthology, written by the many talented Eroticon attendees, and Enjoy Sex (How, when and if you want to) by Meg-John Barker and Justin Hancock.

SO, my pounding, plundering purveyors of purple prose, how do you have a chance to win these prizes?

I want you to write an erotic story using as many terrible cliches, metaphors and innuendos as possible. I do prefer stories on a theme but this is not compulsory. Each story must include the phrase ‘semi-moist treat stick.’ Inspired by the discovery of this dubious phrase on a cat treat package, it is a penis euphemism to die for!

Your story should be 500 words or less, and the competition is open for the duration of March. Full rules at the end of the post!

COMPETITION ENTRIES!

• Worst Intentional Femdom Story of 2018! by O Miss Pearl
• The Spoils of War by K.W
• My intentionally bad billionaire erotica by Betina Cipher
• Lycisca and the Gifts of Venus by Miss Doll Reviews
• PrinciPAL by Jo at Teachers Have Sex
• TENTacles by Miss Melissa
• Fasten your treatbelts by LoveLustLondon ? WINNER ??
• Fully leaded by Scandarella ? SECOND PLACE ?
• Fishing with (a different) Jeremyby Tabitha Rayne ? THIRD PLACE ?
• Setting Sail by Eve Ray
• Here Kitty, Kitty by Emmeline Peaches
• Chef by Wriggly Kitty

Also, here’s my attempt this year:

• Doctor, doctor…

RULES

1. The story should be 500 words or less
2. The competition is open between 1st and 31st March 2018.
3. I will be the judge with EA providing additional opinions if I’m struggling to choose.
4. Entries must include the phrase ‘semi-moist treat stick’ to be considered.
5. Posts must be linked back to this post and contain the EuphOff coffee bean badge. I will attempt to make a proper linking tool but, until then, DM or email me (theotherlivvy@gmail.com) and I’ll add them manually!
6. I am happy to host guest stories on this blog if preferred.
7. Share your post and others on social media with the hashtag: #EuphOff
8. First prize winner has first pick of toy and book, second prize winner gets second choice, and third prize winner gets the remaining toy.

Hope that’s all clear – do let me know if you have any questions! And keep an eye out for the hashtag #HallOfShame where I will be sharing past gems in the next few days…