‘I feel a little more than empty
But I wanna feel more than full
It’s a pity all I have
Is just enough to keep you satisfied’
– Natalie Imbruglia, Satisfied

I’m going to start with a short science history lesson – you may come here for the sex but I’m always going to sneak in some geekery if the opportunity arises! It is 1780 and Luigi Galvani is experimenting with frogs legs and electricity. He discovers that if a charge is passed into the nerves of the very dead frog, the legs twitched and danced as if they were still alive. He had discovered electrophysiology, the study of how electric currents and transfer of charges make muscles and nerves work. Amazing!

Now, with that image of legs flailing and dancing against their will firmly in the front of your mind, I want to talk about the Satisfyer – a sex toy that immediately revolutionised my wanking life and has become the first toy I reach for when I want to add a toy to my solo sex or when I’m packing for a trip. A toy that I absolutely love it but honestly, it’s fucking weird!

(The lovely people at Satisfyer sent me four toys to review – [clockwise from top right] the Pro Penguin, the Pro 2, the Pro 2 Next Generation and the Satisfyer 2. Although they are basically the same, the original Pro 2 is my favourite. I’m going to talk about them all a bit later but, for now, when I say ‘Satisfyer’ I mean ‘Satisfyer Pro 2!’)

I love this sex toy because it makes me come. It makes me come harder and faster than anything I have ever experienced. Every time. Without fail. I come faster than when I just use my hands, a feat no toy has previously achieved, and so my lazy wanking tendencies immediately became much more bionic!

But I purposefully evoked images of electricity and artificial reanimation at the start of this post because there is nothing ‘natural’ about the Satisfyer orgasms. It feels like they’re being ripped out of my bones and forced upon me, almost against my will. The Satisfyer range of toys are clitoral stimulators that use pressure waves rather than direct contact to prove that stimulation, and it’s a strange sensation. The repetitive pressure of these air waves clash against my clit and, frankly, it’s not always pleasant. It’s like my clit is being tenderised, becoming more and more sensitive under the barrage. I occasionally find myself literally grimacing at the almost painful intensity while I lie back and wait for the inevitable, and fucking powerful, orgasm to crest over me, which luckily occurs stupidly quickly as it’s really not that enjoyable up until then. I come with such speed and such incredible intensity that I feel like Galvani’s frogs legs – switch the machine on and I dance!

The more I use it, the more I’ve realised that my love of this clinical, powerful sex toy says a lot about the way I wank. It is all about the orgasm and absolutely nothing to do with the build up, the fantasy, the development. I can use any of the Satisfyers and feel nothing until the orgasm is torn from me, and that is my perfect wank. My normal fantasies are distractions and slow me down. My normal wanking process is, well, unnecessary. Masturbating with this toy is actually a bit dull. Apart from the orgasm, obviously! But then I just get up and carry on with whatever I was doing. There’s no aftermath to bask in, no lingering thrills to savour. It’s not a toy for an enjoyable wank; the Satisfyer is a toy for a functional wank.

It’s so functional that it’s also not a toy that works so well with a partner. Unlike, say, the Doxy, the Satisfyer is harder to use with someone else. The head needs to be in such precise contact with just the right bit of my clit to pull off the magic that the motion and energy of partnered sex knocks it off its groove – there is no sense in lying like a dead frog when someone else is there! And although the Satisfyer still makes me come eventually during partnered sex, other toys that feel good before I come rather than just suck out the orgasm seem like they’d be more fun to use with a partner. Partnered sex isn’t so goal orientated for me anyway. This is when I want to enjoy the build up to orgasm and hold on to the edge, waiting for that delicious fall.

But wanking is different. Wanking is goal orientated. Wanking is just about the orgasm. And I always wank like this. Although I really like that masturbation is now often described as solo sex as this legitimises and adds value to this historically criticised but hugely positive act, that’s not what I do. I don’t wank for the pleasure of touch; it’s for the release of the orgasm. I don’t masturbate to bathe in the fantasies or for the delicious sensations of the process; I just want the bang at the end. I wank because I want to come. Fuck, often I need to come!

Wanks like this are not hot; they’re necessary. They’re functional wanks. A wank to help me relax or help me sleep, or stop me feeling sleepy or to re-motivate me. A wank that is just so far from erotic that it almost doesn’t feel like a sex act. I am utilising a physical stress relieving technique, just one that I should probably perform privately…

This stress relieving aspect becomes particularly evident with my favourite type of functional wank – the ‘wank break,’ or what Meg-John and Justin would call ‘procrasturbation.’ When revising for finals, my roommate used to swear by the ‘dance break.’ When he couldn’t read another word, he’d turn his music up to full blast and dance it out like a crazy person for 30 seconds before getting back to work. I chose a different tactic. Whenever the words started spidering in front of my eyes, I’d lay down on the bed and furiously rub my clit, fantasising about whatever trigger would get me off the quickest, and I’d come with an explosion of release before settling back down to work. I would come maybe 8 or 9 times during those long, long days revising. My student house was a strange place during revision weeks!

This practice has continued to serve me well after graduating. When I start to feel like I’m too tightly sprung to be productive at work, I have a wank. I don’t need to do it that often, but I do it often enough that it’s not exactly unusual. I wank at work when I can tell that I’m getting too angry or too tense and just unreasonable. I take a slightly extended loo break, rub one out, and feel human again. It’s honestly better for everyone that way! But it’s not hot, it’s not sexy; it’s release.

Of course, I do sometimes wank at work because I’m super horny or because I’ve been told to or because someone has snuck a toy into my bag, but this is much rarer. This feels more like exhibitionism and more risky, and perhaps more likely to invoke the squicky reactions I’ve seen during discussions about wanking at work, whereas most of my quick work wanks are genuinely self-care! I’m not aroused at work, I’m frustrated. I’m not turned on by my job or distracted by sexy thoughts; I’m drowning and I need clarity to re-focus. An orgasm to clear my head, as it were.

And the Satisfyer is absolutely perfect for this quick wank but is also why, despite my personal and perpetual love of this toy, I don’t know if I can wholeheartedly recommend the Satisfyer range as I would other toys that I have enjoyed with similar passion.

Although I’m not sure if there’s a hygienic way to offer this, these toys really do need to have a ‘try before you buy’ option! If it works for you, I can’t think of a better toy, but if it doesn’t…

Maybe you don’t want to come like you’re being electrically reanimated. Maybe you find the sensation actively unpleasant. Maybe the pressure stimulation does nothing for you. Maybe you enjoy long and pleasurable wanks and wouldn’t be interested in this turbocharged approach that really works for me! Or maybe it’ll just hit that spot right. Maybe it’ll suck these intense and backbreakingly great orgasms out from the depths of your body.

Maybe it’ll be the perfect toy when you fucking need to come, but you just don’t have enough time…

***

So onto the individual models…

Each toy is waterproof, easy to clean and the part that touches your genitals is made of body-safe silicone. They all have 11 speed settings and use pressure waves for non-touch clitoral stimulation.

SATISFYER 2

This is a battery-powered version, needing two AA batteries, which makes it lighter than its contemporaries. I found the handle less ergonomic than the others and the buttons harder to feel.

The head is thinner than the Pro models so I needed higher speeds to come – both a good thing, as it meant the orgasm was even stronger, and a bad as there were considerably more of the unpleasant sensations before I came.

I actually struggled to find this in any online shops in a quick search so I suspect their later models may have overtaken it…

6/10, it works but it’s bigger brothers are better!

SATISFYER PRO PENGUIN

The smaller version on the Pro 2, this was designed to be waterproof and more discrete. I wasn’t a fan – I don’t like the fact that they made it pink and ‘cute’ when the others are more stylish and gender-neutral, and it was just too small for purpose! I’m also very alarmed to see the next generation model has a bow tie… Sex toys shouldn’t be cute; I feel very strongly about this.

The head is just too thin and I needed to use it underwater for the added water waves to create any kind of stimulation. It’s also the only one to need recharging since I was sent them – and not from overuse!

You can buy it from Sh! for £55.

5/10, novel and convenient (perhaps to keep in the bathroom?) but not powerful enough for me

SATISFYER PRO 2 and PRO 2 NEXT GENERATION

Now, I am a big fan of these! They’re comfortable to hold, the buttons are easy to find and instinctive to use, and the larger head provides the right amount of stimulation to really get me off!

The next generation model, on the right, has larger buttons and is slightly quieter. The inbuilt light is also fainter, as shown on the left here:

I prefer the original Pro 2 as discretion isn’t that important to me with sex toys and the older one has a larger head. In fact, the importance of the size of the part that is in contact with my body suggests that I may be using this more as a traditional vibrator than benefitting from a ‘no touch’ approach, but never mind…

My best to worst from left to right – as the head shrinks, my enjoyment also decreases…

You can buy the Next Generation model from Sh! for £70 or the original Pro 2 from Love Honey for £69.99.

9/10, I rarely use anything else by myself

***

There you have it!

The wonderful Dangerous Lilly has also written a very comprehensive guide to these toys and the somewhat similar Womaniser range, which you can read here.

Satisfyer gave me these toys free of charge in exchange for this review but the opinions are all my own.