‘There is scarcely any passion without struggle.’
– Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus and Other Essays
If I had to pick an end of the spectrum, I’d probably say that I’m a submissive. Although I’m closer to the middle of the aforementioned spectrum, that’s certainly the direction that I lean. I like to have decisions made for me, I’m not very good at initiating sex; I like to be led, preferring to follow.
And I like to be physically bested.
I like to fuck guys that are stronger than me, that can hold me down and I must struggle to be free. I want him to hold both my wrists with one hand, his fingers gripping into my flesh, and pull my arms above my head. I am caught in his easy grasp and I wrench against him to be free. I want to touch him. I want to run my hands over his arse or through his hair, but he has trapped me. He is in control and I have no choice about it. It’s ridiculously hot!
I love it when I can feel his full weight on me; when his whole body is restraining me. Lying on my back with my legs over his shoulders, he places his hands on my shoulders and leans into me as we fuck. Wedged against him, my body almost folded in two, I can barely move. Arms unrestrained, my hands can roam across his skin but I am still helpless, still caught and I still struggle to free myself. The tiny wriggles that I am capable of making push me closer against him. Hips grinding, pelvis tilting, back arching; movements that twist and pull on him as he thrusts into me, movements that change the angle of his cock inside me, intensifying the sensation.
I struggle against him when he pulls my hair, battling against the conflicting pain in my scalp and my desire to be free. He yanks my head back, controlling and manipulating me, but I pull back until I can resist no more. Then, with my head pinned in place, my body writhes under him until the tension in my scalp is lessened and I can start again, fighting back.
I even like the words involved in the struggle when we fuck. Gripping, writhing, restraining, twisting, holding, pulling. I like that this is a fight where I am unlikely to actually get hurt. It’s a battle that makes everything better.