‘I just don’t know what to do with myself
Don’t know just what to do with myself
…When I’m not with you
I just don’t know what to do’
– Dusty Springfield, I just don’t know what to do with myself
Desire is my friend.
Desire drives me onwards.
I know what I want and desire makes me want to get it.
It gives me confidence to make myself uncomfortable, to put myself at risk.
Desire has changed me, desire has made me better.
It keeps me warm, it keeps me hungry.
Remembering and wanting puts a smile on my face.
Memories catch me off guard.
Desire takes my breath away.
I laugh unexpectedly, I stumble mid stride, I dance on my tiptoes…
But no, that’s not always true.
Sometimes desire winds me up too tightly to really be my friend.
When desire grabs me, it feels like I can never be satisfied, never be sated.
I am fractious. I am impatient.
I cannot concentrate, I cannot be still.
I pace, I run…I am unfulfilled.
I need to keep busy, to drown out the want.
Memories of touches and sights crowd my mind.
Urgent kisses in doorways, hands sliding under my skirt in restaurants.
A smile from between my legs as I squirm and writhe.
Moans in my ear, lips on my skin…it can be too much…I can’t breathe…
Desire is my champion.
It might have made me stronger, but it’s not without a price…