Drowning out the noise…

A few times in my life I’ve had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think…I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realise that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.

– A Single Man

Today has been strange…work has been creepily quiet and I have had much too much time on my hands, which is not a usual Friday afternoon and, frankly, has been very disturbing.  It’s made me realise quite how much time and energy I usually spend making sure that I am never left alone with my thoughts like this…they’re weird and often irrational…

So I multi-task to prevent boredom and the subsequent spiral into insanity, such as baking cakes while watching TV or reading a book while having a conversation, or I chose activities that can’t be enjoyed without total focus, like foreign films or running long distances. It’s why I’ve fallen in love with listening to the tennis on the radio – the ability to stay in bed while listening is a big part of the attraction, as is the oddly appealing descriptive urgency of all sports commentating, but the main reason is that I can’t be distracted if I want to keep up with the score…

In an attempt to keep myself distracted today while hoping that some work would appear, and because it is a lot more fun than multi-tasking myself into submission, I’ve been thinking about why good sex is so good, and why bad sex is sooo bad. I think a lot of the difference, for me anyway, depends on whether or not it is able to drown out the noise and protect me from…well, myself. Sex has this strange ability to be simultaneously one of the most intimate activities possible and also one that can be very detached and as much fun with someone that you have never met before or intend to ever see again.  Even something as simple as being naked can be incredibly empowering, or leave you feeling cold and vulnerable…

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. When sex is bad, I can’t stop self-doubt and fear from taking over and I freeze up, which is hardly going to improve the situation. Am I doing it wrong? Is this my fault? What do I do next? How long do I keep doing this? Is he even enjoying it? It exposes my perceived flaws and confirms them.

But when it’s good…damn…I can’t think at all… Any thoughts that do make it through become much more positive – what happens when I touch here? Will he make that amazing sound again? Oh my God, what just happened, that was incredible, how can I do that again? Oh wow, I really hope he’s enjoying this as much as I am, what should I do next to make certain? Then there’s no room for thought at all…which very rarely happens for me…for something to actually become all about what I can feel, without any qualification or concern…and I love it! It turns out that that is another self-fulfilling prophecy. I feel magnificent and confident, and just want to feel that way again and again…!

So yeah…that’s what I’ve been thinking about today…

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