Now I’m one of those crazy girls…

And now I’m standing at your doorstep
With Los Angeles behind me.
If you don’t answer I’ll just use the key
That I copied ’cause I really need to see you…

Baby, are we over now?
Maybe I can change your mind?
As soon as you walk out my door,
I’m gonna call a hundred times!

I’m not one of those crazy girls…

(One of those) Crazy Girls, Paramore

I have always wisely declared that being single forever has been beneficial, both because I have got to know myself really well and also because I have learned from the ‘mistakes’ of others. I’m afraid to say that I am that friend who frequently offers relationship advice despite having no life experience to support my judgements and purely basing them on these observations.

My main concern has always been how my friends have acted like ‘crazy girls.’ I took the moral high ground and, if I’m brutally honest, was never that surprised when the target of their craziness ran the other way. One of my greatest friends literally would not take no for an answer – she would insist that any problems in a relationship could be fixed with enough work and would be devastated when her man was not willing to try. What a chump, I would secretly think. Why doesn’t she realise that he just doesn’t want to be with her? I have friends who keep texting boys even when it’s clear that they’re being ignored…friends who have driven across the country uninvited in case their crush was free to see them so that they would be available…

I also absolutely adore the 2009 film ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ and have really taken its message to heart. If he’s not that into me, he’s not that into me…it’s simple and unchangeable. If he wants me, he will want to see me and so will ask me out. He will text me and he will call me and he will be excited to see me. Forcing the issue with repeated texting and essentially doing all the work just means that I will end up embarrassing myself. I’ll be that crazy girl and no man wants that. Better to wait until I meet someone who will make that effort and then I’ll know. Even better, I’ll be a Rules Girl and make no effort at all. Never call back, ensure that I am never available…make myself mysterious and unobtainable. Any man who keeps trying despite all THAT, he’ll be worth it…he’ll be the One.

Sadly, this is all complete bullshit! It turns out that I am a Crazy Girl. I have no idea how to act around a man that I like, I have no idea what is acceptable behaviour and I don’t know when to give up! I yoyo back and forth between doing nothing because I am absolutely terrified of being a crazy girl, and then freaking out because perhaps my inaction is holding me back. My optimistic heart will not give up until it is told quite frankly to stop, and it makes me feel that one more text or one more try could make the difference. If I do nothing, clearly nothing is going to change so I will definitely lose him but maybe there’s a chance and maybe he does like me and is too uncertain or too lazy or too apathetic to do anything himself so maybe I should call him and see and I like him so I shouldn’t give up just yet because I could be letting someone wonderful slide by me and anyway if he doesn’t like me then what do I really have to lose except my dignity of course but maybe the reward will be worth it and…and…and, Jesus, it’s exhausting.

Honestly, how awful is it that society has lead me to feel that expressing myself and not giving up is such a bad thing? That it means that I label myself as a Crazy Girl and fear that I open myself up to ridicule and judgement. I am ashamed of my previous opinions of my friends and actually now am really impressed that they have been able to risk themselves and their heart to such an extent. Yes, I have never behaved like a crazy girl but, equally, I have never really been in love…I’ve never taken that risk and won! Have I missed opportunities because I have never tried? Have I let chances pass me by because I assumed I wasn’t wanted? And also, why have I always given the man all of the power in early relationships? If I like someone, why shouldn’t I try harder? Maybe he’s as insecure as I am and does not have the confidence to act. I do work pretty hard at being awesome…maybe I’m too intimidating now! Who knows…but surely setting rules is unhelpful. No-one fits every rule or every mould, and that is why life is so exciting.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t help me with my every day decisions. I don’t know how to behave or what to do. My mind is a whirlpool of questions and I often cannot see a way out. A man I really liked and have been dating for a few months has sort of drifted away…rationale me know that this is most likely him taking an easy way out. Not actually having to say that he wants to stop but hoping that I’ll understand. He had no obligation to ‘break up with me’ or even explain himself, we were only dating after all…it wasn’t that serious. Optimistic me, however, has already dreamed of more. I know that he’s going through a really tough time at the moment and maybe he’s just not thinking about me at all…maybe he needs me after all and I shouldn’t abandon him…maybe I’ll text him again to check he’s OK…and remind him of me…

Damn, being single is so much easier than this…

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